“There’s a place in you that you must keep inviolate. You must keep it pristine. Clean. So that nobody has a right to curse you or treat you badly. Nobody.” – Maya Angelou, Oprah.com
It’s totally ironic a “9/11 hero” who was once hailed for protecting life is now so determined to “destroy” mine. And, why a man who wrote he “loved and respected” me “forever and always” would be so determined to hurt and threaten me, my family, my friends and my employment? Secrets. In my opinion and recent painful experience, Bernard Kerik has proven to be an “emotional terrorist” (reference the “Urban Dictionary” definition) in my life. I must also caution a threat from an allegedly “home-confined, supervised” 8-time convicted felon who threatens to “destroy” your life should be taken seriously. And I do and I will…Bernie once told me no one can control him. Bernard Kerik has shown me who he TRULY is and, today, I believe him….
Bernie once wrote to me I was one of the “few people he trusted in the world” and I was one of the five people “in his inner circle”. So you can imagine my hurt when my invitation to his coming home “party” got “lost in the mail”. When the glorious day of release arrived (05/28/13), I should have been elated for my “precious Pal” and be in line for a proper welcome home. In hindsight, it was one of the most painful days of my life signaling the beginning of the end for “us”. Bernie’s manipulation and lies were beaten to the finish line by the truth. Bernard Kerik is a father of daughters. I genuinely pray no man ever uses or disrespects his daughters in the way I’ve survived being manipulated and threatened by him and dwindling mob of evil-doer friends and vindictive associates….(some of whom may wear a badge or possess a law degree!). I have reported all wrongdoing to appropriate authorities. My understanding is Bernard Kerik is forbidden contact with me directly, in any medium or through third parties. As complainant to this reporting, I voluntarily agreed to cease communication and have fully complied. I’ve been asked to remain silent by law enforcement, Bernie’s friend/lawyer and by Bernie’s evil-doer “associates”. This hasn’t proven results toward safety and peace so let’s try another way..the TRUTH…The open truth harasses twisted souls like Bernard Kerik. This sparks an annoying sense of humanity otherwise void in their lives….
Bernie once wrote to me I was one of the “few people he trusted in the world” and I was one of the five people “in his inner circle”. So you can imagine my hurt when my invitation to his coming home “party” got “lost in the mail”. When the glorious day of release arrived (05/28/13), I should have been elated for my “precious Pal” and be in line for a proper welcome home. In hindsight, it was one of the most painful days of my life signaling the beginning of the end for “us”. Bernie’s manipulation and lies were beaten to the finish line by the truth. Bernard Kerik is a father of daughters. I genuinely pray no man ever uses or disrespects his daughters in the way I’ve survived being manipulated and threatened by him and dwindling mob of evil-doer friends and vindictive associates….(some of whom may wear a badge or possess a law degree!). I have reported all wrongdoing to appropriate authorities. My understanding is Bernard Kerik is forbidden contact with me directly, in any medium or through third parties. As complainant to this reporting, I voluntarily agreed to cease communication and have fully complied. I’ve been asked to remain silent by law enforcement, Bernie’s friend/lawyer and by Bernie’s evil-doer “associates”. This hasn’t proven results toward safety and peace so let’s try another way..the TRUTH…The open truth harasses twisted souls like Bernard Kerik. This sparks an annoying sense of humanity otherwise void in their lives….
For me, it’s now time to take out the trash, emotionally-speaking. As the spirited Wendy Williams (How you doin’?) says, “Let’s spill the tea, shall we?” Based upon my own personal and intimate experience, Bernard Kerik is complicated, desperate to be loved and accepted, an uber-controller, maniacally narcissistic, expert manipulator, super-liar and rageaholic. You may be shocked to learn he is immensely insecure with a bad case of run-on sentences and excessive comma usage. Yet, he is “belly-laugh-spotlight-and-microphone-funny”. This charming part of his genuine self peeks out only on display when completely safe in his company and secure in surroundings. Bernie is “50-shades” smooth, “CatDaddy” hot, dangerously sexy but lives in an emotionally-retarded world of “quid pro quo” and “cloak and dagger” mixed messages. He has proven to me to have a perverted sense of loyalty and a chameleon-like sliding scale of character and integrity. He has also proven to be one of the best street cops in the world. He can wrestle a bad guy down to the ground fearlessly. However rigorous honesty, emotional or deep commitment and living an authentic life within his means are unfamiliar territory. Frankly, it scares the shit out of him. It renders him paralyzed by compelling lies of omission with a trail of broken hearts and smashed souls in his wake.
Kerik’s sense of right and wrong appears “black and white” for law enforcement work yet seemingly grey in his personal life. This appears to be a classic case of “false self” typically brought on by early-life trauma. He once described to me the status of his current marriage as “being stuck in this long-term thing”…That’s really sad news for the Mother of his children and a woman who remains married to him despite the public humiliation of widely reported multiple simultaneous adulterous affairs and his three years away at Federal prison. (Yes, Bernie is the gift that keeps on giving…)
“Kerik’s Kryptonite” are money and sex. This is not exactly breaking news as every wrong turn in Kerik’s life has been for one or the other. In an environment like prison, stripped of both (at least in terms of heterosexual sex….just sayin) Kerik actually displayed signs of raw human emotions, humility, a conscience as well as a truly rehabilitated loving spirit. However, on May 28, 2013, returning to the same dysfunctional lifestyle allegedly “mobbed” (pun intended) by big-timing, reality show biz, high roller, cyberstalking, bullying friends and neighbors, tired has-been media types, pay-to-play associates (getting rich off of charity and flag waving) with over-inflated expectations of a “comeback bigger than Martha Stewart”, combined with the perpetual alleged money pressures, the guy I know as “my precious Pal” vanished. With his final words to me being a cryptic, maniacal threat to “release my name” to the press so as to “destroy” my life! (Yes, all that while boldly wearing that pesky “anklet” on home confinement Federal probation! Now there’s some ironic and reckless “self-minded arrogance” on display for ya!) Despite that little black ankle bracelet, believe me, it is my personal experience no one and no entity can control Bernard Kerik. No One. He has a lifetime and well-documented history of “destroying” the lives of many, including those he once claimed to love.
Bernard Kerik was an integral and important part of my daily life for three years. I remember sweet moments we shared. Daily, at 4pm, during incarceration at Cumberland MD was the prison standing count. Bernie confided in me it was “the most humiliating part of his day”. He was confronted with the painful realization a former NYPD Commissioner was now standing in and around convicted felons in prison. It “killed him” as he would say. So every day at 4 pm, I stopped whatever I was doing and sent up a prayer. It was my way of standing with my precious Pal and a moment of each day “shared” with him in a special way. Bernie seemed genuinely moved and seemed grateful by this simple act of love and caring. Simple, BOP-controlled, monitored, communication: sharing thoughts written via letters, calls, emails and visits formed a decent bond which seemed foreign and refreshing to Bernie.
BB also hated reading the hackneyed description of him in the media as “disgraced”. I always told him if he had the dignity and courage to come out of prison a better person, he would be “graced”. Bernard Kerik’s choice based on my experience is that he’s chosen to remain disgraced and it fits. Despite all, this realization is the saddest of all.
From the moment Bernie regained liberty, truth turned to lies, sweet gestures became manipulating, “controlling” tabs and his controlling obsessive rage replaced benevolence. That humbled inmate recoiled back to that arrogant scheming, ungrateful monster they originally sent to prison. A nightmare…So if you see or hear my name, address, phone, employer or any other identifying information about me, it has been released by Bernie or one of his evil-doers. Please don’t participate in his vow to destroy my life. My privacy and dignity are about all I have left but, in my ordinary world, it’s more than enough to carry on.
Bernie’s dwindling gang of “friends” and family fall into one of four categories:
- Those “celebrity-types” who hang on to sell something using Kerik;
- The “doormats” or enablers who are stuck and can’t quite see through the emotional fog of the Kerik control and manipulation;
- Those hanger-ons hoping to get in on the ticking 15 minutes of Bernie spotlight or in his pants (most are female);
- Those deceived, loyal souls yet to discover the true Bernie whose discovery day of emotional implosion has not yet arrived.
I am relieved to announce my emancipation from the last of the aforementioned.
Bernie’s incarceration was the worst time in his life yet, ironically, the best time in mine. With almost daily contact, by email, letters, phone calls, our writing and regular visits, Bernie Kerik and I became sweet habits in each other’s lives over the last three years of his incarceration. Bernie demanded my presence in his life remain a secret and I , foolishly and reluctantly, agreed to that dysfunctional arrangement. I take responsibility for this lapse in judgment and absolutely deserve that “what were you thinking” criticism. I always felt Bernie took great pride and delight in the fact that he was able to “hide me in plain sight” from the press, most of his family/friends and especially his wife. He had me use Social Media names that masked mine. He forbid me to perform any act or service in my own name including correspondence, research or contact with him outside the BOP that may go public. The drive-by NYC media were so star-struck with Bernie’s all-star line-up of visitors, they overlooked the documents and abandoned the “Journalism 101” FOILs that would have simply revealed our exchange of regular visits, email, monetary support, and letters. Although it is ending ugly, withstanding the irony, mixed messages, blurred lines, crushed soul and broken life, I possess a single regret; that I didn’t get out before Bernard Kerik and his tiny entourage of harassing, slandering, vicious loyal thug friends created and spun opportunities to attempt to “destroy” my life. I take responsibility for allowing that to occur in my life. However, love, intimacy, loyalty and trust, ultimately, are high-risk ventures no matter the special circumstances.
With a tip of the hat to Carly Simon, Bernie Kerik (and his attorney/friend) will probably think this blog is about him. Nope. Bernie has taken so much from me but he can’t have my power, my dignity, my strength or the free-speech offering of my genuine journey. Those are all earned treasures. And, by the way, my free speech, my heart and soul are not bargaining chips in “settlement” amicably among friends…For that, there is no price…not enough money in the world to heal the hurt…Maybe this blog and the release of the truth is a good beginning to the healing and reclaiming of my once private, balanced, functional life.
I mailed a custom greeting card of encouragement to “BB” (one of my pet names for Bernie) in the Minimum Security Cumberland Federal BOP in Maryland early in his incarceration. He responded by mail with thanks and interest in sharing more. We bonded exchanging tender, intimate inner thoughts through writing and editing new works to be published upon his release. During incarceration, along with our intimate personal relationship, I assisted Bernie with writing, editing, archiving, creating a plan/talking points for re-entry into public life, blogging assistance, legal research, social media organization/consultation, website construction, social visits and financial support (commissary, etc) for the majority of his federal imprisonment. One close mutual friend sarcastically referred to me as “Bernie’s Brain”. Looking back, that moniker was accurate as Bernie’s actual “first draft” writing is shockingly unsophisticated, mundane and usually banking off some other person’s idea. Bernie offered granting me writing/editing credits in his future published works. I forwarded all our finished works to him on June 22, 2013. Coincidentally, or maybe not so, our relationship abruptly disintegrated shortly after he had those documents in his possession. Who knows what will happen with my work product? (So the next time your read an article or book you think Bernie wrote, ask him if he had help writing it and did he credit the co-author/editor?)
What About Me? Write this down: I am a fat, “mature”, hard-working, self-supporting middle class, Leaning In feminist, registered Republican, public school educated, college graduate, former law enforcement, graced sinner with a “regular” present life and a wisdom-baring past too. You’re probably gonna hear all that ugly spin from Bernie and his evil-doer thugs when this posts. I am not a whore, stalker, crazy, gold-digger extortionist or any of those false, slanderous, typical cop “nuts and sluts” defensive accusations recently hurled at me and written in open social media sources. In fact, if he had just accepted our separation like a gentleman, apologized and not threatened and acted to “make crazy” in my life, this blog would never have been written nor seen the binary code of the Internet.
I gave all I had to Bernie: my loyalty, trust, time, concern, support, dedication and love. I was there for him, faithful to his numerous demands, believed in him and stood for him when most others ran in the other direction. Bernard Kerik took my sweet generous genuine spirit, and with his lies, deception and manipulation, turned it ugly, damaged and barren. Yes, I’m sad, deeply hurt and have learned the hard lessons through loss. Yes, my life is being “destroyed” as Bernie threatened and allegedly directed. Yet, my concern and deepest sadness remains with the Bernie I knew from prison who had a single, precious opportunity, upon release from prison, to start life anew with honesty, integrity, dignity and courage. In my opinion and painful experience, he squandered that opportunity. My experience proves he is not changed at all by going to prison. Even through my own pain, I pity him. It may have been the best comeback story ever….
With a tip of the hat to Carly Simon, Bernie Kerik (and his attorney/friend) will probably think this blog is about him. Nope. Bernie has taken so much from me but he can’t have my power, my dignity, my strength or the free-speech offering of my genuine journey. Those are all earned treasures. And, by the way, my free speech, my heart and soul are not bargaining chips in “settlement” amicably among friends…For that, there is no price…not enough money in the world to heal the hurt…Maybe this blog and the release of the truth is a good beginning to the healing and reclaiming of my once private, balanced, functional life.
I mailed a custom greeting card of encouragement to “BB” (one of my pet names for Bernie) in the Minimum Security Cumberland Federal BOP in Maryland early in his incarceration. He responded by mail with thanks and interest in sharing more. We bonded exchanging tender, intimate inner thoughts through writing and editing new works to be published upon his release. During incarceration, along with our intimate personal relationship, I assisted Bernie with writing, editing, archiving, creating a plan/talking points for re-entry into public life, blogging assistance, legal research, social media organization/consultation, website construction, social visits and financial support (commissary, etc) for the majority of his federal imprisonment. One close mutual friend sarcastically referred to me as “Bernie’s Brain”. Looking back, that moniker was accurate as Bernie’s actual “first draft” writing is shockingly unsophisticated, mundane and usually banking off some other person’s idea. Bernie offered granting me writing/editing credits in his future published works. I forwarded all our finished works to him on June 22, 2013. Coincidentally, or maybe not so, our relationship abruptly disintegrated shortly after he had those documents in his possession. Who knows what will happen with my work product? (So the next time your read an article or book you think Bernie wrote, ask him if he had help writing it and did he credit the co-author/editor?)
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Over the three years, I supported Bernie in every way, including financial support. It’s never been about the money for me. To this day, I’ve never asked for any reimbursement of any kind at any time. In fact, when I considered Bernie an intimate friend for life, I considered everything a gift from the heart. Now that I realize our relationship was built on nothing but greed, manipulation and control, my view on reparations may change but my stubborn heart is lagging behind that final decision. At the time of giving, all investments (emotional, time, money) were for the long-term and out of a celebration of the goodness BB brought to my life at the time. However, Bernie’s attorney/friend recently tried to twist my generous intentions by asserting and insulting me with the legal implication I should “settle” my differences with Bernie by submitting my “expenses” to be reimbursed for the “work” I had done “supporting” Bernie. I can’t believe they think matters of the heart can be mended and finalized by throwing money at it! Maybe in Bernie’s world, that’s how it spins. My world has standards 180 degrees apart. Money doesn’t solve everything but as long as Bernie sent his attorney/friend to inquire and/or intimidate…
Bernie was incarcerated for a term of 1107 days, roughly 158 weeks.
Bernie was incarcerated for a term of 1107 days, roughly 158 weeks.
Throughout that time, Bernie and I exchanged communication, in a variety of forms, almost every day. I have both BOP and personal documents in proof:
- 135 personally hand written hard copy letters from Bernie to me
- 150 phone calls to my personal unlisted phone
- 735 emails
- 12 round-trip visits approved by BOP. That’s 10,320 miles with an average visit usually lasting 3 hours at the most…
- 108 total documents, Co-written, edited and archived in support of re-release and/or new books by Bernie to be published.
- Total expenses supporting Bernard Kerik over $93,000 (Including my time and labor in writing, editing, archiving and research..website construction, magazines, postage, phone calls, PACER legal research fees, vacation from day job to visit/support, 12 visits travel-meals-lodging, commissary deposits.
- BOP Commissary Deposits $4556.00: Bernie boasted to his friends how he sacrificed by accepting no money for his prison needs from home so his girls can afford to have all they need to enjoy the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed. (I’m guessing he never told anyone he had other means of support from me. Disingenuous is a nice description of that.)
This is an exclusive “docu-blog”. So let’s allow the facts & original documents from Bernard Kerik to me tell the truth.
Below-captioned is a typical letter from Bernie to me. There are about 134 more hard copy snail mails. Those who know him will recognize his handwriting, the standard issue BOP yellow, lined paper and the envelope from BOP postmarked Federal Cumberland mail:
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Handwritten Prison Letter envelope from Bernard Kerik to Me USA v Bernard B. Kerik
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Handwritten Prison Letter from Bernard Kerik to Me USA v Bernard B. Kerik
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As indicated in the letter, Bernie was very careful with his “instructions” regarding his “privacy”. The “stalker” reference was a guard Bernie believed was paying close attention to his communication exchanges.
As for the intimate and explicit content, I’m not that naive to think I was the only one. The blurred lines sex talk is part of the deal with Bernie. It’s part of his grooming process in establishing intimate bonds. It is one of the perverted ways he shows his affection. Who knows how many women received letters like this? That would be a lot of lives to “destroy”…..There’s just something curious about a man who loves you enough to kiss your nipples one day then threatens to “destroy” your life on another! Go figure!
The difficult decision to end our relationship came in early July. I thought I could just walk away and heal. My separation from Bernie has been incomplete and interrupted by painful and damaging jabs from Bernie and his small band of thug associates. I lived decades without Bernard Kerik in my life. I choose to return to that pre-Bernie, private, peaceful existence if only he and his evil associates would obey the laws of decency. For a man who claims he wants to be “left alone”, he has apparently gone to great lengths to keep tabs on my life. Bernard Kerik and evil associates (one identifying himself in Social Media user name, “John Picciano”) have already made bold attempts to “destroy” my life starting with slandering and threatening me on open source Social Media and anonymous cowardly attempts to contact my employer putting my career at risk. (They used to call that slander, aggravated harassment and cyber stalking). Bernie enjoys a good fight. The typical abuser will fight because, love or hate, it’s still a desperate way to keep tabs, control, stay connected and/or keep the relationship alive; for good or bad. That’s the scary behavior that must cease! I have been told others have suffered through Bernie’s exact M.O. I was encouraged to stand strong and walk through it as they had done. I have Angels of Truth on my side. I live by a simple lady-like motto: “Don’t you dare kick me when I’m down because when I get up, you’re fucked.” (My sarcastic sense of humor is a lifeline. Excuse the profanity)
I have and will defend myself and those I love with all appropriate and legal means possible. I maintain my God-given rights to free speech and appropriate opinion in an open forum. I am not Cinderella. I’m a strong woman so I’m not a typical “victim”. I do stand up for myself as well as those who stand for me. Bernie and evil company detest this in any combatant and find it a challenge to win, conquer and crush. They like their women silent, obedient, subordinate, preferably “on their knees” and a bit on the trashy, disposable “doormat” side. I must admit they are doing an admirable job of destroying my life.
What About Me? Write this down: I am a fat, “mature”, hard-working, self-supporting middle class, Leaning In feminist, registered Republican, public school educated, college graduate, former law enforcement, graced sinner with a “regular” present life and a wisdom-baring past too. You’re probably gonna hear all that ugly spin from Bernie and his evil-doer thugs when this posts. I am not a whore, stalker, crazy, gold-digger extortionist or any of those false, slanderous, typical cop “nuts and sluts” defensive accusations recently hurled at me and written in open social media sources. In fact, if he had just accepted our separation like a gentleman, apologized and not threatened and acted to “make crazy” in my life, this blog would never have been written nor seen the binary code of the Internet.
I gave all I had to Bernie: my loyalty, trust, time, concern, support, dedication and love. I was there for him, faithful to his numerous demands, believed in him and stood for him when most others ran in the other direction. Bernard Kerik took my sweet generous genuine spirit, and with his lies, deception and manipulation, turned it ugly, damaged and barren. Yes, I’m sad, deeply hurt and have learned the hard lessons through loss. Yes, my life is being “destroyed” as Bernie threatened and allegedly directed. Yet, my concern and deepest sadness remains with the Bernie I knew from prison who had a single, precious opportunity, upon release from prison, to start life anew with honesty, integrity, dignity and courage. In my opinion and painful experience, he squandered that opportunity. My experience proves he is not changed at all by going to prison. Even through my own pain, I pity him. It may have been the best comeback story ever….
Once again it is proven the cover-up, secret or lies proved worse than the deed itself. Our relationship, upon release, at my insistence, had simmered to an intimate close friendship. There was nothing of any inappropriate nature to hide at that point. I feel Bernie has lived that “cloak and dagger” lie so many times that he may be unable at this point to manage an honest, open, platonic relationship with anyone, especially a female. Tragic. Some people just like to throw it away. He did. He does. He will.
You may ask if I miss “my Pal” but I have accepted he never really existed at all. All of it has been reduced to the manipulation magic and deception Bernie has mastered all his life. It’s as trying to hug an apparition. There were tumultuous times over the last three years, I fought to keep this relationship with Bernie. I agree one must earn their way out before exiting. However, when your livelihood and safety are on the line, it’s wise to surrender to the quick get-away. So I bid goodbye to the “Hey You”, beautiful long rides that lead to you, E3 coffee, purple plastic chairs, all our words, the intimate signature bxo, waiting all day for that 3-minute phone call, the commissary Drakkar noire cologne on my letters and the “M” Mariah perfume on his…
This blog is all I wish to say at this time. Over-sharing is tedious. I’d rather chew glass than expose myself. I had this suspicion exposing these truths were the impetus of all the threats. This blog was truly my last of all attempts for peace. As the kids say, ‘Yup, this shit just got real!’….I am ready to be done and restore the goodness in my life. In the past weeks I have pled directly to Bernie, then his thug friends, then his intimidating friend/attorney, attempted to stand my ground with his evil-doer gang, working day and night correcting slanderous social media sabotage to save my career from lies, reported to his probation, law enforcement and more attorneys to end the threatened destruction of my life. All that hasn’t ceased the reverberating personal dismantling mayhem allegedly commanded by Bernard Kerik. Maybe this blog will supply the anecdote to all Bernie’s secrets and what’s been missing so far: the power and force of truth….
Bernard Kerik pled guilty to multiple felonies admitting he essentially lied, deceived and cheated his own government. Why did I believe he would be true to me? I believe in second chances, redemption, lessons learned and love. Good people have extended that grace to me along the way. I keep all I possess by giving it away. I was wrong. I am paying the price. This, too, shall pass and I pray I will be enriched by the lessons.
Forgiveness is always part of the plan. That’s not going to happen in this post. The wounds are too fresh and the pain still too deep….
So now who do you think should ultimately have a greater concern about being “revealed” to the public? You can decide.
Thank you for the opportunity to share with you. Thank you for hearing me.
A simple thank you will never be enough to my sister, who, although physically ailing, is my emotional rock. I know who loves me. Womb to tomb, girl…
Finally, thank you to Len Levitt of www.nypdconfidential.com for your professionalism, journalistic integrity and humanity.
My lessons being learned. Healing and recovery begin now….
