“There’s a place in you that you must keep inviolate. You must keep it pristine. Clean. So that nobody has a right to curse you or treat you badly. Nobody.” – Maya Angelou, Oprah.com
Bernie once wrote to me I was one of the “few people he trusted in the world” and I was one of the five people “in his inner circle”. So you can imagine my hurt when my invitation to his coming home “party” got “lost in the mail”. When the glorious day of release arrived (05/28/13), I should have been elated for my “precious Pal” and be in line for a proper welcome home. In hindsight, it was one of the most painful days of my life signaling the beginning of the end for “us”. Bernie’s manipulation and lies were beaten to the finish line by the truth. Bernard Kerik is a father of daughters. I genuinely pray no man ever uses or disrespects his daughters in the way I’ve survived being manipulated and threatened by him and dwindling mob of evil-doer friends and vindictive associates….(some of whom may wear a badge or possess a law degree!). I have reported all wrongdoing to appropriate authorities. My understanding is Bernard Kerik is forbidden contact with me directly, in any medium or through third parties. As complainant to this reporting, I voluntarily agreed to cease communication and have fully complied. I’ve been asked to remain silent by law enforcement, Bernie’s friend/lawyer and by Bernie’s evil-doer “associates”. This hasn’t proven results toward safety and peace so let’s try another way..the TRUTH…The open truth harasses twisted souls like Bernard Kerik. This sparks an annoying sense of humanity otherwise void in their lives….
For me, it’s now time to take out the trash, emotionally-speaking. As the spirited Wendy Williams (How you doin’?) says, “Let’s spill the tea, shall we?” Based upon my own personal and intimate experience, Bernard Kerik is complicated, desperate to be loved and accepted, an uber-controller, maniacally narcissistic, expert manipulator, super-liar and rageaholic. You may be shocked to learn he is immensely insecure with a bad case of run-on sentences and excessive comma usage. Yet, he is “belly-laugh-spotlight-and-microphone-funny”. This charming part of his genuine self peeks out only on display when completely safe in his company and secure in surroundings. Bernie is “50-shades” smooth, “CatDaddy” hot, dangerously sexy but lives in an emotionally-retarded world of “quid pro quo” and “cloak and dagger” mixed messages. He has proven to me to have a perverted sense of loyalty and a chameleon-like sliding scale of character and integrity. He has also proven to be one of the best street cops in the world. He can wrestle a bad guy down to the ground fearlessly. However rigorous honesty, emotional or deep commitment and living an authentic life within his means are unfamiliar territory. Frankly, it scares the shit out of him. It renders him paralyzed by compelling lies of omission with a trail of broken hearts and smashed souls in his wake.
Kerik’s sense of right and wrong appears “black and white” for law enforcement work yet seemingly grey in his personal life. This appears to be a classic case of “false self” typically brought on by early-life trauma. He once described to me the status of his current marriage as “being stuck in this long-term thing”…That’s really sad news for the Mother of his children and a woman who remains married to him despite the public humiliation of widely reported multiple simultaneous adulterous affairs and his three years away at Federal prison. (Yes, Bernie is the gift that keeps on giving…)
“Kerik’s Kryptonite” are money and sex. This is not exactly breaking news as every wrong turn in Kerik’s life has been for one or the other. In an environment like prison, stripped of both (at least in terms of heterosexual sex….just sayin) Kerik actually displayed signs of raw human emotions, humility, a conscience as well as a truly rehabilitated loving spirit. However, on May 28, 2013, returning to the same dysfunctional lifestyle allegedly “mobbed” (pun intended) by big-timing, reality show biz, high roller, cyberstalking, bullying friends and neighbors, tired has-been media types, pay-to-play associates (getting rich off of charity and flag waving) with over-inflated expectations of a “comeback bigger than Martha Stewart”, combined with the perpetual alleged money pressures, the guy I know as “my precious Pal” vanished. With his final words to me being a cryptic, maniacal threat to “release my name” to the press so as to “destroy” my life! (Yes, all that while boldly wearing that pesky “anklet” on home confinement Federal probation! Now there’s some ironic and reckless “self-minded arrogance” on display for ya!) Despite that little black ankle bracelet, believe me, it is my personal experience no one and no entity can control Bernard Kerik. No One. He has a lifetime and well-documented history of “destroying” the lives of many, including those he once claimed to love.
- Those “celebrity-types” who hang on to sell something using Kerik;
- The “doormats” or enablers who are stuck and can’t quite see through the emotional fog of the Kerik control and manipulation;
- Those hanger-ons hoping to get in on the ticking 15 minutes of Bernie spotlight or in his pants (most are female);
- Those deceived, loyal souls yet to discover the true Bernie whose discovery day of emotional implosion has not yet arrived.
I am relieved to announce my emancipation from the last of the aforementioned.
With a tip of the hat to Carly Simon, Bernie Kerik (and his attorney/friend) will probably think this blog is about him. Nope. Bernie has taken so much from me but he can’t have my power, my dignity, my strength or the free-speech offering of my genuine journey. Those are all earned treasures. And, by the way, my free speech, my heart and soul are not bargaining chips in “settlement” amicably among friends…For that, there is no price…not enough money in the world to heal the hurt…Maybe this blog and the release of the truth is a good beginning to the healing and reclaiming of my once private, balanced, functional life.
I mailed a custom greeting card of encouragement to “BB” (one of my pet names for Bernie) in the Minimum Security Cumberland Federal BOP in Maryland early in his incarceration. He responded by mail with thanks and interest in sharing more. We bonded exchanging tender, intimate inner thoughts through writing and editing new works to be published upon his release. During incarceration, along with our intimate personal relationship, I assisted Bernie with writing, editing, archiving, creating a plan/talking points for re-entry into public life, blogging assistance, legal research, social media organization/consultation, website construction, social visits and financial support (commissary, etc) for the majority of his federal imprisonment. One close mutual friend sarcastically referred to me as “Bernie’s Brain”. Looking back, that moniker was accurate as Bernie’s actual “first draft” writing is shockingly unsophisticated, mundane and usually banking off some other person’s idea. Bernie offered granting me writing/editing credits in his future published works. I forwarded all our finished works to him on June 22, 2013. Coincidentally, or maybe not so, our relationship abruptly disintegrated shortly after he had those documents in his possession. Who knows what will happen with my work product? (So the next time your read an article or book you think Bernie wrote, ask him if he had help writing it and did he credit the co-author/editor?)
Bernie was incarcerated for a term of 1107 days, roughly 158 weeks.
- 135 personally hand written hard copy letters from Bernie to me
- 150 phone calls to my personal unlisted phone
- 735 emails
- 12 round-trip visits approved by BOP. That’s 10,320 miles with an average visit usually lasting 3 hours at the most…
- 108 total documents, Co-written, edited and archived in support of re-release and/or new books by Bernie to be published.
- Total expenses supporting Bernard Kerik over $93,000 (Including my time and labor in writing, editing, archiving and research..website construction, magazines, postage, phone calls, PACER legal research fees, vacation from day job to visit/support, 12 visits travel-meals-lodging, commissary deposits.
- BOP Commissary Deposits $4556.00: Bernie boasted to his friends how he sacrificed by accepting no money for his prison needs from home so his girls can afford to have all they need to enjoy the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed. (I’m guessing he never told anyone he had other means of support from me. Disingenuous is a nice description of that.)
This is an exclusive “docu-blog”. So let’s allow the facts & original documents from Bernard Kerik to me tell the truth.
|Handwritten Prison Letter envelope from Bernard Kerik to Me USA v Bernard B. Kerik
|Handwritten Prison Letter from Bernard Kerik to Me USA v Bernard B. Kerik
As indicated in the letter, Bernie was very careful with his “instructions” regarding his “privacy”. The “stalker” reference was a guard Bernie believed was paying close attention to his communication exchanges.
What About Me? Write this down: I am a fat, “mature”, hard-working, self-supporting middle class, Leaning In feminist, registered Republican, public school educated, college graduate, former law enforcement, graced sinner with a “regular” present life and a wisdom-baring past too. You’re probably gonna hear all that ugly spin from Bernie and his evil-doer thugs when this posts. I am not a whore, stalker, crazy, gold-digger extortionist or any of those false, slanderous, typical cop “nuts and sluts” defensive accusations recently hurled at me and written in open social media sources. In fact, if he had just accepted our separation like a gentleman, apologized and not threatened and acted to “make crazy” in my life, this blog would never have been written nor seen the binary code of the Internet.
I gave all I had to Bernie: my loyalty, trust, time, concern, support, dedication and love. I was there for him, faithful to his numerous demands, believed in him and stood for him when most others ran in the other direction. Bernard Kerik took my sweet generous genuine spirit, and with his lies, deception and manipulation, turned it ugly, damaged and barren. Yes, I’m sad, deeply hurt and have learned the hard lessons through loss. Yes, my life is being “destroyed” as Bernie threatened and allegedly directed. Yet, my concern and deepest sadness remains with the Bernie I knew from prison who had a single, precious opportunity, upon release from prison, to start life anew with honesty, integrity, dignity and courage. In my opinion and painful experience, he squandered that opportunity. My experience proves he is not changed at all by going to prison. Even through my own pain, I pity him. It may have been the best comeback story ever….